NOTE: Our regular gig announcement-writer here at Ian Carey Quintet headquarters is on vacation, so we've decided to compile this week's version out of snippets gleaned from previously sent announcements. Enjoy, and see you at the show!I'm no good at being noble, but it doesn't take much to see that the problems of one little jazz quintet don't amount to a hill of beans in this crazy world. Lucky for you, The Ian Carey Quintet was more effective than placebo in the acute treatment of migraine headaches with or without aura in 2 double-blind, placebo-controlled trials. Also we said it was OK to bring their twin 120-lb. Rottweillers, Hercules and Samson.Going to be guest-hosting Lithuanian Mineral Fertilizer Weekly (2:40-3:00 a.m., Channel 843) and need to work on your witty banter? Come on down to the rootin'est, tootin'est hayride West a' Market Street—admission is FREE for residents of California, Connecticut, Delaware, the District of Columbia, Hawaii, Illinois, Maine, Maryland, Massachusetts, Michigan, Minnesota, New Hampshire, New Jersey, New York, Oregon, Pennsylvania, Rhode Island, Vermont, Washington, and Wisconsin.I freaking dare you to say "Yoshi's."You can tune a piano, but you can't tuna fish, and actually you can't tune the piano at the House of Shields either because it’s in the shop. I and the other members of the Royal Garfunkel family are presently in Belgium seeking asylum and WAFFLES. Speaking of "paying" and "ass," I've got a gig Tuesday night that is guaranteed to leave you feeling as reinvigorated as George Steinbrenner's ulcer.With Bay Area rents on the way down, you're much better off finding a comfortable doorway to sleep in for a few months while the market bottoms out.This week we will be playing only music written by gay or transgendered dwarfs of Slavic descent in solidarity with their cause. Dog owed money by Antichrist Musab al-Monkeypox and never liked unfiltered grasshoppers nor jazz neither? I don't give a [animal]'s [part of the body] whether you have tickets to the [name of sport] game, or a date with [female celebrity] (and her [adjective] [part of the body]—hubba hubba!)... This hoser's gonna play the trumpet, eh! And his pedal was too sticky to thump it.You must be Jamaican, 'cause Jamaican me crazy and Jamaicans drink free at my gig Tuesday night. Harm away and leavest big tips, forsooth.----WHAT: The Ian Carey QuintetWHO: Ian Carey, trumpetAdam Shulman, pianoFred Randolph, bassJon Arkin, drumsEvan Francis, saxophoneWHERE: The House of Shields, 39 New Montgomery St. (betw.Market & Mission)WHEN: Tuesday, Sept. 27, 5:30-8:30 p.m.HOW MUCH: Free

IF SHAKESPEARE WERE MY PUBLICIST"Some are born great, some achieve greatness, and some have greatness thrust upon them. If you'd likest to have some swingin' jazz greatness thrust upon you, comest thou on down to the House of Shields next Tuesday eventide.""Not Mars his sword nor war's quick fire shall burn the living record of your memory, but a couple of Cosmos at the House of Shields might.""We, ignorant of ourselves, beg often our own harms, which the wise powers deny us for our good, but that sure as hell never happens at the House of Shields. Harm away and leavest big tips, forsooth.""Have more than though showest; speak less than thou knowest; lend less than thou owest; Fred Randolph more than thou bassist.""Age cannot whither pianist Adam Shulman and drummer Jon Arkin, nor custom stale their infinite variety, and I'm not just saying that because they promised to hook me up with some lovely ladies.""The silence often, of pure innocence persuades, when speaking fails, unless special guest Joe Cohen wailest on his wicked saxophone. Verily." (Thou believest I did phone that one in, and mayest be right.)"The end crowns all, and that old common arbitrator, time, will one day end it, in this case at 8:30 p.m.""To thine own self be true; and it must follow, as the night the day, thou can'st not then flake out on Ian's awesome gig.""If music be the food of love, play on! Now whither my 15 percent, bizotch?"WHAT: The Ian Carey QuintetWHO: Ian Carey, trumpet, with:Adam Shulman, pianoFred Randolph, bassJon Arkin, drums,... and special guest Joe Cohen (of Cannonball), saxophoneWHERE: The House of Shields, 39 New Montgomery St. (betw.Market & Mission)WHEN: Tuesday, Sept. 13, 5:30-8:30 p.m.HOW MUCH: To pay, or not to pay: that is the... it's free.

WE THE PEOPLE of the Ian Carey Quintet, in Order to form a more perfect Audience, establish Jazzness, insure domestic Musicallity, provide for the common Drunkenness, promote the general Tipfare, and secure the Blessings of Libation to ourselves and our Houseshieldsery, do ordain and establish this Invitation for the United Gig of Next Tuesday.

WHAT: The Ian Carey Quintet

WHO: Ian Carey, trumpet, with:
Adam Shulman, piano
Evan Francis, saxophone
Fred Randolph, bass
Jon Arkin, drums

WHERE: The House of Shields, 39 New Montgomery St. (betw. Market & Mission)

WHEN: Tuesday, August 23, 5:30-8:30 p.m.

HOW MUCH: Zip.

Only Acceptable Excuses for Not Attending Ian's Gig Tuesday, vol. mxcvii

• Believe Ian's recent suspension for using jazz steroids casts doubt on all his previous accomplishments
• Appointed Ambassador to United Nations and need some serious time with the mustache groomer
• Have never forgiven jazz for death of your father and will not rest until sweet vengeance is yours
• Famous boyfriend won't allow you out of L.Ron's Summer Fun Center and Indoctrination Cage for more than three minutes at a time
• Been really into watching mold grow on slice of sourdough on kitchen table lately
• Judge somehow got the crazy idea that "house arrest" is supposed to take place in your house
• Going to be guest-hosting Lithuanian Mineral Fertilizer Weekly (2:40-3:00 a.m., Channel 843) and need to work on your witty banter
• Called up to Double-A Massapequa Mudbugs and need to impress the scouts with blazing 41-mph fastball
• Not currently alive

... Everybody else better be there.WHAT: The Triumphant Return of the Original Ian Carey QuintetWHO: Ian Carey, trumpet, with:Adam Shulman, pianoEvan Francis, saxophoneFred Randolph, bassJon Arkin, drumsWHERE: The House of Shields, 39 New Montgomery St. (betw.Market & Mission)WHEN: Tuesday, August 9, 5:30-8:30 p.m.HOW MUCH: Nothin'.

Seven Lies I Will Tell You to Get You to Come to My Gig Tuesday

• The first 50 guests will receive complimentary hammerhead shark chowder in a sourdough bread bowl.
• A dazzling pyrotechnic and laser-light display is being assembled for the last tune, a musical tribute to the non-Star Trek acting career of the late James "Scotty" Doohan.
• This week we will be playing only music written by gay or transgendered dwarfs of Slavic descent in solidarity with their cause.
• Arun Luthra, who is visiting from New York and will be sitting in with the band, is actually fourth in line for the throne of the Kingdom of Southwest Norway (in exile).
• All proceeds from drink sales will be donated to relief efforts for next week's catastrophic volcano eruption in New Jersey.
• Miles Davis once said, "Ian is a bad !#$@f*&% who never #$%* no $@#^ off nobody and %$#@ his *$&@! #$&@* all the $%&* time."
• It's not my birthday.

WHO: Ian, trumpet, withAdam Shulman, pianoJoe Cohen, saxophoneKurt Kotheimer, bassJon Arkin, drums...and special guest Arun Luthra on saxophone, direct from Noo Yawk!WHERE: The House of Shields, 39 New Montgomery St. (betw. Market & Mission)WHEN: Tuesday, July 26, 5:30-8:30 p.m.HOW MUCH: Just pennies a day.

Ian's Gig Announcement: The Mad Libs EditionHowdy [plural noun]! I'd like to [verb] you about my big [adjective] hour show coming up TONIGHT at the House of [plural noun], a quaint little [noun] nestled in San Francisco's [adjective] District where everybody knows your [noun], and you're always [adjective] you [past-tense verb]! [Exclamation] yeah!You'll hear the [noun] play some of my [plural noun] as well as plenty of old [plural noun]. We also have [very large number] special guests including the [adjective] Dayna Stephens, who's back from [geographical location] and sounding really [adjective]—and I mean REALLY [adjective]—along with newcomers [name of person in room] on drums and Kurt [German-sounding last name] on [musical instrument]. It's going to so be [adjective] you'll shout "[exclamation]", or my name isn't [celebrity]!I don't give a [animal]'s [part of the body] whether you have tickets to the [name of sport] game, or a date with [female celebrity] (and her [adjective] [part of the body]—hubba hubba!) or even an appointment to get your [part of the body] waxed... you better get your [part of the body] down to the [noun] of Shields tonight. You'll be really [adjective] you did, you [relative] of a [noun]!And remember, on Tuesdays, ladies [verb] free!WHO: Ian [nonsense word], [musical instrument], withAdam Shulman, pianoDayna Stephens, saxophoneBrian Bowman, drumsKurt Kotheimer, bassWHERE: The House of Shields, 39 [adjective] Montgomery St. (betw. Market & Mission), San [Spanish name].WHEN: TONIGHT, Tuesday, July 12, 5:30-8:30 p.m.HOW MUCH: Not [number] [color] [monetary unit].