Announcements: Quintet, 9/27/05

NOTE: Our regular gig announcement-writer here at Ian Carey Quintet headquarters is on vacation, so we've decided to compile this week's version out of snippets gleaned from previously sent announcements. Enjoy, and see you at the show!I'm no good at being noble, but it doesn't take much to see that the problems of one little jazz quintet don't amount to a hill of beans in this crazy world. Lucky for you, The Ian Carey Quintet was more effective than placebo in the acute treatment of migraine headaches with or without aura in 2 double-blind, placebo-controlled trials. Also we said it was OK to bring their twin 120-lb. Rottweillers, Hercules and Samson.Going to be guest-hosting Lithuanian Mineral Fertilizer Weekly (2:40-3:00 a.m., Channel 843) and need to work on your witty banter? Come on down to the rootin'est, tootin'est hayride West a' Market Street—admission is FREE for residents of California, Connecticut, Delaware, the District of Columbia, Hawaii, Illinois, Maine, Maryland, Massachusetts, Michigan, Minnesota, New Hampshire, New Jersey, New York, Oregon, Pennsylvania, Rhode Island, Vermont, Washington, and Wisconsin.I freaking dare you to say "Yoshi's."You can tune a piano, but you can't tuna fish, and actually you can't tune the piano at the House of Shields either because it’s in the shop. I and the other members of the Royal Garfunkel family are presently in Belgium seeking asylum and WAFFLES. Speaking of "paying" and "ass," I've got a gig Tuesday night that is guaranteed to leave you feeling as reinvigorated as George Steinbrenner's ulcer.With Bay Area rents on the way down, you're much better off finding a comfortable doorway to sleep in for a few months while the market bottoms out.This week we will be playing only music written by gay or transgendered dwarfs of Slavic descent in solidarity with their cause. Dog owed money by Antichrist Musab al-Monkeypox and never liked unfiltered grasshoppers nor jazz neither? I don't give a [animal]'s [part of the body] whether you have tickets to the [name of sport] game, or a date with [female celebrity] (and her [adjective] [part of the body]—hubba hubba!)... This hoser's gonna play the trumpet, eh! And his pedal was too sticky to thump it.You must be Jamaican, 'cause Jamaican me crazy and Jamaicans drink free at my gig Tuesday night. Harm away and leavest big tips, forsooth.----WHAT: The Ian Carey QuintetWHO: Ian Carey, trumpetAdam Shulman, pianoFred Randolph, bassJon Arkin, drumsEvan Francis, saxophoneWHERE: The House of Shields, 39 New Montgomery St. (betw.Market & Mission)WHEN: Tuesday, Sept. 27, 5:30-8:30 p.m.HOW MUCH: Free