Last night we said a great many things...You said I was to do the thinking for both of us. Well, I've done a lot of it since then, and it all adds up to one thing: you're coming to see THE IAN CAREY QUINTET at THE HOUSE OF SHIELDS where you belong.Now, you've got to listen to me! You have any idea what you'd have to look forward to if you didn't come to my gig TONIGHT, TUESDAY MAY 10? Nine chances out of ten, we'd both wind up in a jazz concentration camp. Isn't that true, Louie?I'm saying it because it's true. Inside of us, we both know you belong at my gig. You're part of our work, the thing that keeps us going. If that quintet plays FROM 5:30 to 8:30 PM and you're not listening, you'll regret it. Maybe not today. Maybe not tomorrow, but soon and for the rest of your life.We'll always have THE HOUSE OF SHIELDS. We didn't have, we, we lost it until you agreed to come to my NO COVER gig. We get it back tonight.But I've got a job to do, too. Where ADAM SHULMAN, FRED RANDOLPH, EVAN FRANCIS, JOHN ARKIN and MYSELF are going, you can't follow. What we've got to do, you can't be any part of. I'm no good at being noble, but it doesn't take much to see that the problems of one little JAZZ QUINTET don't amount to a hill of beans in this crazy world. Someday you'll understand that. Now, now...Here's looking at you, kid.---WHO: Ian Carey Quintet, featuring:Adam Shulman, pianoFred Randolph, bassEvan Francis, saxophone, andJohn Arkin, drumsWHEN: Tuesday, 5/10, 5:30-8:30 pmWHERE: The House of Shields, 39 New Montgomery St., SFHOW MUCH: Bupkes.

Dear Honoured Sir/Madam,My name is IAN GARFUNKEL, the son of the late Generalissimo Art Garfunkel, Ex-Military Leader of State of Ivory Coast, recently ousted in a coup d'état along with Interior Minister The Guy Who Replaced Steve Perry. I understand you to be a trustworthy partner and am contacting you because of my need to invite you and other honourable persons to my JAZZ GIG TOMORROW, TUESDAY.It is in view of this that I seek your co-operation and assistance in the attendance of said PERFORMANCE during the hours of 5:30-8:30 P.M., at the completion of which I am not authorized by THE HOUSE OF SHIELDS, located at 39 NEW MONTGOMERY AND MISSION STREETS, to deliver to you the imaginary sum of Eight Million Monopoly Dollars only, being the very last of my family fund. After the capture of my beloved father and Mr. Replacement Steve Perry the Federal Government seized all our properties and our accounts both local and international were frozen like so many Gorton's Fish Sticks which by the way are delicious.My only hope now is that PIANIST ADAM SHULMAN has carefully packaged these documents and deposited as artifacts with a Security/Finance Company in the Netherlands for the perusal of BASSIST FRED RANDOLPH, so that the said imaginary sum can easily be withdrawn or paid to a recommended beneficiary such as DRUMMER JON ARKIN or SAXOPHONIST EVAN FRANCIS, and the security company based on my instructions will release the WICKED AWESOME JAZZ MUSIC to you, as my partner in the area of viable and profitable business such as No Cover Jazz Gigs.To show my preparedness to carry out this imaginary business with you, NO COVER CHARGE and 0% commission of the fake proceeds realized from the bogus investment of this totally made-up fund will also be yours, 0% is to be set aside for any eventual cost that might arise as the fictitious transaction proceeds.I and the other members of the Royal Garfunkel family are presently in Belgium seeking asylum and WAFFLES. I would sincerely want you to reach me through the E-mail at SonOfAGarfunkel@scams.com, if you are sincere in your interest to assist me sincerely. I sincerely will appreciate your sincere response.Sincerely,IAN'S WICKED AWESOME 419 SCAM QUINTETTUESDAY, FEBRUARY 85:30-8:30 P.M.THE HOUSE OF SHIELDS, 39 NEW MONTGOMERY (@ MISSION), SFNO COVERP.S. Please send fish sticks.

An Invitation to My Gig Tuesday, as Performed by the Man Who Changes to a Different Stereotypical Character with Each PhraseAvast, ye scurvy dogs and wenches! Come on down to the rootin'est, tootin'est hayride West a' Market Street—Verily, I speaketh of Ye Olde House of Shields, m'lords and ladies of our faire Realm. I knew that dive was trouble from the minute I walked in—a tall drink of trouble by the name of Ian. This hoser's gonna play the trumpet, eh!And that gone cat Fred Randolph's like swingin' on the bass, daddy-o! If you call now, you'll also receive, at no additional cost to you, John Arkin on the drums and his handy carrying case—FREE! Adam Shulman will not rest until he has used his invincible Flying Toad Style piano technique to avenge the death of his master, and Humanoid Unit Evan Francis will utilize his Saxophonic Tone Generator to stimulate the aesthetic nodes of all Earthlings in the vicinity.They gonna play-a good jazz, just-a like-a Mamma used to make! You vant dat I should tell you vat time is it, well, it's five-toity to eight-toity, vit de playing and de socializin' and de big tipping, I tell you. It's like totally about the love and togetherness, so all you have to bring is some good vibes, man! Ve haff vays of making you attend!

All You Need to Know About My Gig Tuesday Night, in Five and a Half Limericks

There once was a guy who played trumpetwhile eating a jam-covered crumpetSo Jon Arkin's bass drumcollected many a crumbAnd his pedal was too sticky to thump it.We'll play from 5:30 to 9ishAnd the music will be extra fine-ishSo pull up a stooland act really coolWhile you pound 15 glasses of wine-ish.There once was a saxophonist named Evanwhose sound was a small slice of heavenBut the House of Shields crowdcan be wicked loudSo now his horn goes to eleven.And then there's the famous Fred RandolphTouch his bass and he'll bite your handolphHe drowns out the picketersand fights parking ticketersSo you see why he's still My Main Mandolph.We still haven't gotten a pianoThough I'm trying as hard as I can-oWe're sure to get someoneSo don't be a glum oneBut I hope you like Ornette Coleman-o.There once was a bar on New MontgomeryWhere audiences do want-gum-ery...

... anyway, see you there.

Only Acceptable Excuses for Not Attending Tomorrow's Performance of Ian's You Better Believe It'll Be Wicked Awesome Jazz Quintet at the House of Shields:

11. Dog died10. Being held captive by Abu Musab al-Zarqawi9. Ate an entire carton of unfiltered cigarettes thinking they were mints8. Down with a wicked case of monkeypox7. Never liked jazz6. Believe Ian is the Antichrist5. Owe Ian money and can't look him in the face again until ready to pay him back4. Drifting over the Atlantic Ocean in a giant peach with some obnoxious grasshopper dude3. Owed money by Ian and getting sick of his damn excuses2. Dog owed money by Antichrist Musab al-Monkeypox and never liked unfiltered grasshoppers nor jazz neither

... and the Final Acceptable Excuse for Not Attending Tomorrow's Performance of Ian's You Better Believe It'll Be Wicked Awesome Jazz Quintet at the House of Shields:

1. Forgot

Everybody else better be there.WHAT: The Ian Carey Quintet, featuring:Evan Francis, tenor saxophoneAdam Shulman, pianoFred Randolph, bassJon Arkin, drumsWHEN: Tomorrow, Tuesday, November 23, 5:30-8:30 p.m.WHERE: The House of Shields, New Montgomery & Market (415) 495-5436HOW MUCH: Zzzp.

5 Haiku, In Honor of My Gig TONIGHT at the House of Shields:Perfume of spilt beerenhances the ambienceas we play some stuffConsider my gigas a fine alternativeto going postalIt isn't Fridaynor even, sadly, Wednesday—we're playing TuesdayDayna's gone back East,But wait 'til you hear Evan—He's wicked good, too"Happy Hour," you say?More like "Super Bitchin' Hour,"at the House of Shields.WHO: The Ian Carey Quintet, featuring...Evan Francis, saxophoneAdam Shulman, pianoFred Randolph, bassTim Bulkley, drumsWHEN: Tuesday, September 28th, 5:30-8:30 p.m.WHERE: The House of Shields, New Montgomery & Market (415) 495-5436HOW MUCH: Nuthin'.