Top 8 Favorite Lame Jokes, revised to promote my gig next Tuesday at the House of Shields:8. A man walks into a bar—the House of Shields, for example, where I have a gig next Tuesday—Ouch!7. What do you get when you cross a cheetah with a hamburger? Fast food, which you may enjoy at several fine establishments within walking distance of the House of Shields, where I will be playing Tuesday.6. You can tune a piano, but you can't tuna fish, and actually you can't tune the piano at the House of Shields either because it’s in the shop.5. When is a door not a door? When it’s ajar, and be careful not to bump into our bass player when you walk through the door at the House of Shields next Tuesday.4. Knock knock! Who’s there? Little old lady. Little old lady who? I didn't know you could yodel, and I promise there will be no yodeling at my gig Tuesday night.3. How many jazz quintets does it take to screw in a light bulb at the House of Shields on Tuesday? None, since the staff screws in the light bulbs, but we I suppose we could do it if they were really busy, in which case the answer would be one.2. A priest, a rabbi and a minister are in a boat next Tuesday. "I'm thirsty," says the priest, and walks on the water to get a drink, at the House of Shields. The minister follows, also walking on the water. The rabbi takes one step off the boat and falls into the water. "Do you think we should have told him where the rocks are?" asks the minister, to which the priest replies, "Never mind that, let’s enjoy this fine jazz music by Ian's Wicked Awesome Quintet."... and the Number One Favorite Lame Joke, revised to promote my gig next Tuesday at the House of Shields:1. Take my wife, please! To my gig at the House of Shields!WHO: The Ian Carey QuintetWHEN: Tuesday, September 14th, 5:30-8:30 p.m.WHERE: The House of Shields, New Montgomery & Market (415) 495-5436HOW MUCH: Nada.UPDATE: Linda provided the following necessary addition: What do you call a gig with three eyes? Giiig!

Top Excuses for Not Attending the Ian Carey Quintet Gig and 30th Birthday Extravaganza Next Tuesday at the House of Shields, DEBUNKED!Excuse #1: I have to pick up the keys and sign the lease to my new apartment.

DEBUNKED: That’s an easy one. With Bay Area rents on the way down, you’re much better off finding a comfortable doorway to sleep in for a few months while the market bottoms out. The minor inconvenience is easily outweighed by how much you’ll save in the long run. So pick yourself up a nice cardboard box, skip the lease-signing, and get your booty down here.

Excuse #2: I have a raging migraine headache scheduled for that day.

DEBUNKED: Lucky for you, Ian’s Wicked Awesome Jazz Quintet was more effective than placebo in the acute treatment of migraine headaches with or without aura in 2 double-blind, placebo-controlled trials. Also there will be beer and pretzels.

Excuse #3: The Homeland Security Advisory Level is at “Yellow”, so I need to be vigilant, take notice of my surroundings, and report suspicious activities to local authorities immediately, preferably from a secure location within my underground bunker where I also have eight Tivo’d episodes of Amish in the City to catch up on.

DEBUNKED: Good one. However, our contacts at the Homeland Security Department assure us that any terrorist activity next Tuesday would most likely be restricted to more strategic locations such as Reno, Branson, or the Tenderloin. Also there have only been four episodes of Amish; don’t mess with me like that.

Excuse #4: I have friends coming in Tuesday from out of town.

DEBUNKED: We’ve taken the liberty of rescheduling your friends’ visit—they’ll be here around 3 a.m. tomorrow instead. Also we said it was OK to bring their twin 120-lb. Rottweillers, Hercules and Samson. So come on down.

Excuse #5: I’m already committed to another, more interesting event that night.

DEBUNKED: That is just not possible. Get your ass down to the House of Shields.

Excuse #6: I know for a fact that Ian’s birthday was last month—I already gave him his 30 spanks. Isn’t this a little late to be celebrating?

DEBUNKED: That was just a ploy to get a free spanking. If you don’t come Tuesday you’re a jerk.

WHAT: The Ian Carey QuintetWHEN: Tuesday, August 24th, 5:30-8:30 p.m. (Revelry to follow.)WHERE: The House of Shields, New Montgomery & Market, S.F. (415) 495-5436

Self-Promotion is a Four-Letter Word, Followed by a Nine-Letter WordTop 8 Favorite Lame Pickup Lines, revised to promote my gig next Tuesday at the House of Shields:8. Do you believe in love at first sight, or should I walk by again on Tuesday night at my gig?7. If I told you you had a beautiful body, would you hold it against my gig Tuesday night?6. There's you with all those curves and here's me with a gig Tuesday night and no brakes.5. Do you have any raisins? Then how 'bout a date, like Tuesday August 10th, a date on which I happen to have a gig?4. Are you a parking ticket? 'Cause you've got "fine" written all over you, and also you'll probably get a parking ticket while you're at my gig Tuesday night.3. You must be Jamaican, 'cause Jamaican me crazy and Jamaicans drink free at my gig Tuesday night.2. If I could rewrite the alphabet, I would put U and I together, and follow those with M, Y, G, I, G, T, U, E, S, D, A, Y, N, I, G, H, and T.... and the Number One Favorite Lame Pickup Line, revised to promote my gig this Tuesday at the House of Shields:1. We live under the constant threat of a terrorist attack. Do you want to die without coming to my gig Tuesday night?WHAT: The Ian Carey QuintetWHEN: Tuesday, August 10th, 5:30-8:30 p.m.WHERE: The House of Shields, New Montgomery & Market (415) 495-5436HOW MUCH: Zilch.

Attendance MandatoryLadies and Gentlemen, children of all ages! Come one, come all to the amazing spectacle of The House of Shields and the Flying Ian Carey Brothers' No-Cover Happy Hour Jazzstravaganza!WITNESS death-defying feats of musical daredevilry and melodious derring-do!SEE the Two-Armed Drummer!BEHOLD the Drunken Audience Member who wants to hear "Margaritaville"!MARVEL at the World-Renowned Giant Violin!WATCH as the Escape Artist-Trumpeter vanishes without paying the rest of the band!SEE your hard-earned dollars disappear into the vortex of the Incredible Bottomless Tip-Jar!But whatever you do... don't miss THE GREATEST SHOW ON FLOOR!WHAT: The Ian Carey QuartetWHEN: Tuesday, April 27, 5:30-8:30 p.m.WHERE: The House of Shields, New Montgomery & Market (415) 495-5436HOW MUCH: Squat.

CACOPHONOUS COMBO ON HAPPY HOUR HOT SEATWill House of Shields Become House of Horrors for Jazz Fall Guys?AP WIRE, San Francisco--The Ian Carey Quartet will be testifying before the House (of Shields) Happy Hour Committee this Tuesday, April 13. The quartet is expected to respond to fierce inquiries by the committee, which consists of a fluctuating aggregation of listeners, non-listeners, aficionados, coworkers, groupies, loud talkers, playa-haters, love-drunks, off-duty clergymen, "ladies" of the evening, professional sports mascots, friends, Romans, countrymen, mob informants, jokers, tokers, midnight non-smokers and Gray Davis.Among the expected areas of questioning:

• What did the Quartet know about the "situation" in the men's room, and when?
• Are we supposed to clap after solos, or only at the end?
• Why should we listen to you?
• Can you play "Summertime", or do you only do that modern crap?
• What exactly did you mean when you said you "once gave that Winston Marcellus guy a wedgie he'll never forget"?

...and, perhaps most importantly:

• Is it possible to tip too much?

Although arrangements are being made to broadcast live coverage of the hearings on C-SPAN 4 or the Cambodian Nude Golf channel, public attendance is strongly encouraged. According to Mr. Carey, "We believe that it is only through an open and responsive dialogue that these issues of great import can be—oh, here's my cab. Later!"WHAT: The Ian Carey QuartetWHEN: Tuesday, April 13, 5:30-8:30 p.m.WHERE: The House of Shields, 39 New Montgomery (betw. Market & Mission), San Fran-freaking-ciscoHOW MUCH: Bupkes.