Announcements: Quintet, 8/10/04

Self-Promotion is a Four-Letter Word, Followed by a Nine-Letter Word

Top 8 Favorite Lame Pickup Lines, revised to promote my gig next Tuesday at the House of Shields:

8. Do you believe in love at first sight, or should I walk by again on Tuesday night at my gig?

7. If I told you you had a beautiful body, would you hold it against my gig Tuesday night?

6. There’s you with all those curves and here’s me with a gig Tuesday night and no brakes.

5. Do you have any raisins? Then how ’bout a date, like Tuesday August 10th, a date on which I happen to have a gig?

4. Are you a parking ticket? ‘Cause you’ve got “fine” written all over you, and also you’ll probably get a parking ticket while you’re at my gig Tuesday night.

3. You must be Jamaican, ’cause Jamaican me crazy and Jamaicans drink free at my gig Tuesday night.

2. If I could rewrite the alphabet, I would put U and I together, and follow those with M, Y, G, I, G, T, U, E, S, D, A, Y, N, I, G, H, and T.

… and the Number One Favorite Lame Pickup Line, revised to promote my gig this Tuesday at the House of Shields:

1. We live under the constant threat of a terrorist attack. Do you want to die without coming to my gig Tuesday night?

WHAT: The Ian Carey Quintet
WHEN: Tuesday, August 10th, 5:30-8:30 p.m.
WHERE: The House of Shields, New Montgomery & Market (415) 495-5436
HOW MUCH: Zilch.

Announcements: Quartet, 4/27/04

Attendance Mandatory
Ladies and Gentlemen, children of all ages! Come one, come all to the amazing spectacle of The House of Shields and the Flying Ian Carey Brothers’ No-Cover Happy Hour Jazzstravaganza!

WITNESS death-defying feats of musical daredevilry and melodious derring-do!

SEE the Two-Armed Drummer!

BEHOLD the Drunken Audience Member who wants to hear “Margaritaville”!

MARVEL at the World-Renowned Giant Violin!

WATCH as the Escape Artist-Trumpeter vanishes without paying the rest of the band!

SEE your hard-earned dollars disappear into the vortex of the Incredible Bottomless Tip-Jar!

But whatever you do… don’t miss THE GREATEST SHOW ON FLOOR!

WHAT: The Ian Carey Quartet
WHEN: Tuesday, April 27, 5:30-8:30 p.m.
WHERE: The House of Shields, New Montgomery & Market (415) 495-5436
HOW MUCH: Squat.

Announcements: Quartet, 4/13/04

Will House of Shields Become House of Horrors for Jazz Fall Guys?

AP WIRE, San Francisco–The Ian Carey Quartet will be testifying before the House (of Shields) Happy Hour Committee this Tuesday, April 13. The quartet is expected to respond to fierce inquiries by the committee, which consists of a fluctuating aggregation of listeners, non-listeners, aficionados, coworkers, groupies, loud talkers, playa-haters, love-drunks, off-duty clergymen, “ladies” of the evening, professional sports mascots, friends, Romans, countrymen, mob informants, jokers, tokers, midnight non-smokers and Gray Davis.

Among the expected areas of questioning:

  • What did the Quartet know about the “situation” in the men’s room, and when?
  • Are we supposed to clap after solos, or only at the end?
  • Why should we listen to you?
  • Can you play “Summertime”, or do you only do that modern crap?
  • What exactly did you mean when you said you “once gave that Winston Marcellus guy a wedgie he’ll never forget”?

…and, perhaps most importantly:

  • Is it possible to tip too much?

Although arrangements are being made to broadcast live coverage of the hearings on C-SPAN 4 or the Cambodian Nude Golf channel, public attendance is strongly encouraged. According to Mr. Carey, “We believe that it is only through an open and responsive dialogue that these issues of great import can be—oh, here’s my cab. Later!”

WHAT: The Ian Carey Quartet

WHEN: Tuesday, April 13, 5:30-8:30 p.m.

WHERE: The House of Shields, 39 New Montgomery (betw. Market & Mission), San Fran-freaking-cisco

HOW MUCH: Bupkes.

Announcements and thoughts from a Bay Area trumpeter and composer