Announcements: Quintet, 2/4/05

Dear Honoured Sir/Madam,

My name is IAN GARFUNKEL, the son of the late Generalissimo Art Garfunkel, Ex-Military Leader of State of Ivory Coast, recently ousted in a coup d’état along with Interior Minister The Guy Who Replaced Steve Perry. I understand you to be a trustworthy partner and am contacting you because of my need to invite you and other honourable persons to my JAZZ GIG TOMORROW, TUESDAY.

It is in view of this that I seek your co-operation and assistance in the attendance of said PERFORMANCE during the hours of 5:30-8:30 P.M., at the completion of which I am not authorized by THE HOUSE OF SHIELDS, located at 39 NEW MONTGOMERY AND MISSION STREETS, to deliver to you the imaginary sum of Eight Million Monopoly Dollars only, being the very last of my family fund. After the capture of my beloved father and Mr. Replacement Steve Perry the Federal Government seized all our properties and our accounts both local and international were frozen like so many Gorton’s Fish Sticks which by the way are delicious.

My only hope now is that PIANIST ADAM SHULMAN has carefully packaged these documents and deposited as artifacts with a Security/Finance Company in the Netherlands for the perusal of BASSIST FRED RANDOLPH, so that the said imaginary sum can easily be withdrawn or paid to a recommended beneficiary such as DRUMMER JON ARKIN or SAXOPHONIST EVAN FRANCIS, and the security company based on my instructions will release the WICKED AWESOME JAZZ MUSIC to you, as my partner in the area of viable and profitable business such as No Cover Jazz Gigs.

To show my preparedness to carry out this imaginary business with you, NO COVER CHARGE and 0% commission of the fake proceeds realized from the bogus investment of this totally made-up fund will also be yours, 0% is to be set aside for any eventual cost that might arise as the fictitious transaction proceeds.

I and the other members of the Royal Garfunkel family are presently in Belgium seeking asylum and WAFFLES. I would sincerely want you to reach me through the E-mail at, if you are sincere in your interest to assist me sincerely. I sincerely will appreciate your sincere response.


5:30-8:30 P.M.

P.S. Please send fish sticks.

Announcements: Quintet, 1/25/05

An Invitation to My Gig Tuesday, as Performed by the Man Who Changes to a Different Stereotypical Character with Each Phrase

Avast, ye scurvy dogs and wenches! Come on down to the rootin’est, tootin’est hayride West a’ Market Street—Verily, I speaketh of Ye Olde House of Shields, m’lords and ladies of our faire Realm. I knew that dive was trouble from the minute I walked in—a tall drink of trouble by the name of Ian. This hoser’s gonna play the trumpet, eh!

And that gone cat Fred Randolph’s like swingin’ on the bass, daddy-o! If you call now, you’ll also receive, at no additional cost to you, John Arkin on the drums and his handy carrying case—FREE! Adam Shulman will not rest until he has used his invincible Flying Toad Style piano technique to avenge the death of his master, and Humanoid Unit Evan Francis will utilize his Saxophonic Tone Generator to stimulate the aesthetic nodes of all Earthlings in the vicinity.

They gonna play-a good jazz, just-a like-a Mamma used to make! You vant dat I should tell you vat time is it, well, it’s five-toity to eight-toity, vit de playing and de socializin’ and de big tipping, I tell you. It’s like totally about the love and togetherness, so all you have to bring is some good vibes, man! Ve haff vays of making you attend!

Announcements: Quartet, 12/14/04

All You Need to Know About My Gig Tuesday Night, in Five and a Half Limericks

There once was a guy who played trumpet
while eating a jam-covered crumpet
So Jon Arkin‘s bass drum
collected many a crumb
And his pedal was too sticky to thump it.

We’ll play from 5:30 to 9ish
And the music will be extra fine-ish
So pull up a stool
and act really cool
While you pound 15 glasses of wine-ish.

There once was a saxophonist named Evan
whose sound was a small slice of heaven
But the House of Shields crowd
can be wicked loud
So now his horn goes to eleven.

And then there’s the famous Fred Randolph
Touch his bass and he’ll bite your handolph
He drowns out the picketers
and fights parking ticketers
So you see why he’s still My Main Mandolph.

We still haven’t gotten a piano
Though I’m trying as hard as I can-o
We’re sure to get someone
So don’t be a glum one
But I hope you like Ornette Coleman-o.

There once was a bar on New Montgomery
Where audiences do want-gum-ery…

… anyway, see you there.

Announcements: Quintet, 11/23/04

Only Acceptable Excuses for Not Attending Tomorrow’s Performance of Ian’s You Better Believe It’ll Be Wicked Awesome Jazz Quintet at the House of Shields:

11. Dog died

10. Being held captive by Abu Musab al-Zarqawi

9. Ate an entire carton of unfiltered cigarettes thinking they were mints

8. Down with a wicked case of monkeypox

7. Never liked jazz

6. Believe Ian is the Antichrist

5. Owe Ian money and can’t look him in the face again until ready to pay him back

4. Drifting over the Atlantic Ocean in a giant peach with some obnoxious grasshopper dude

3. Owed money by Ian and getting sick of his damn excuses

2. Dog owed money by Antichrist Musab al-Monkeypox and never liked unfiltered grasshoppers nor jazz neither

… and the Final Acceptable Excuse for Not Attending Tomorrow’s Performance of Ian’s You Better Believe It’ll Be Wicked Awesome Jazz Quintet at the House of Shields:

1. Forgot

Everybody else better be there.

WHAT: The Ian Carey Quintet, featuring:
Evan Francis, tenor saxophone
Adam Shulman, piano
Fred Randolph, bass
Jon Arkin, drums

WHEN: Tomorrow, Tuesday, November 23, 5:30-8:30 p.m.

WHERE: The House of Shields, New Montgomery & Market (415) 495-5436


Announcements: Quintet, 9/28/04

5 Haiku, In Honor of My Gig TONIGHT at the House of Shields:

Perfume of spilt beer
enhances the ambience
as we play some stuff

Consider my gig
as a fine alternative
to going postal

It isn’t Friday
nor even, sadly, Wednesday—
we’re playing Tuesday

Dayna’s gone back East,
But wait ’til you hear Evan—
He’s wicked good, too

“Happy Hour,” you say?
More like “Super Bitchin’ Hour,”
at the House of Shields.

WHO: The Ian Carey Quintet, featuring…

Evan Francis, saxophone
Adam Shulman, piano
Fred Randolph, bass
Tim Bulkley, drums

WHEN: Tuesday, September 28th, 5:30-8:30 p.m.

WHERE: The House of Shields, New Montgomery & Market (415) 495-5436

HOW MUCH: Nuthin’.

Announcements: Quintet, 9/14/04

Top 8 Favorite Lame Jokes, revised to promote my gig next Tuesday at the House of Shields:

8. A man walks into a bar—the House of Shields, for example, where I have a gig next Tuesday—Ouch!

7. What do you get when you cross a cheetah with a hamburger? Fast food, which you may enjoy at several fine establishments within walking distance of the House of Shields, where I will be playing Tuesday.

6. You can tune a piano, but you can’t tuna fish, and actually you can’t tune the piano at the House of Shields either because it’s in the shop.

5. When is a door not a door? When it’s ajar, and be careful not to bump into our bass player when you walk through the door at the House of Shields next Tuesday.

4. Knock knock! Who’s there? Little old lady. Little old lady who? I didn’t know you could yodel, and I promise there will be no yodeling at my gig Tuesday night.

3. How many jazz quintets does it take to screw in a light bulb at the House of Shields on Tuesday? None, since the staff screws in the light bulbs, but we I suppose we could do it if they were really busy, in which case the answer would be one.

2. A priest, a rabbi and a minister are in a boat next Tuesday. “I’m thirsty,” says the priest, and walks on the water to get a drink, at the House of Shields. The minister follows, also walking on the water. The rabbi takes one step off the boat and falls into the water. “Do you think we should have told him where the rocks are?” asks the minister, to which the priest replies, “Never mind that, let’s enjoy this fine jazz music by Ian’s Wicked Awesome Quintet.”

… and the Number One Favorite Lame Joke, revised to promote my gig next Tuesday at the House of Shields:

1. Take my wife, please! To my gig at the House of Shields!

WHO: The Ian Carey Quintet
WHEN: Tuesday, September 14th, 5:30-8:30 p.m.
WHERE: The House of Shields, New Montgomery & Market (415) 495-5436

UPDATE: Linda provided the following necessary addition: What do you call a gig with three eyes? Giiig!

Announcements: Quintet, 8/24/04

Top Excuses for Not Attending the Ian Carey Quintet Gig and 30th Birthday Extravaganza Next Tuesday at the House of Shields, DEBUNKED!

Excuse #1: I have to pick up the keys and sign the lease to my new apartment.

DEBUNKED: That’s an easy one. With Bay Area rents on the way down, you’re much better off finding a comfortable doorway to sleep in for a few months while the market bottoms out. The minor inconvenience is easily outweighed by how much you’ll save in the long run. So pick yourself up a nice cardboard box, skip the lease-signing, and get your booty down here.

Excuse #2: I have a raging migraine headache scheduled for that day.

DEBUNKED: Lucky for you, Ian’s Wicked Awesome Jazz Quintet was more effective than placebo in the acute treatment of migraine headaches with or without aura in 2 double-blind, placebo-controlled trials. Also there will be beer and pretzels.

Excuse #3: The Homeland Security Advisory Level is at “Yellow”, so I need to be vigilant, take notice of my surroundings, and report suspicious activities to local authorities immediately, preferably from a secure location within my underground bunker where I also have eight Tivo’d episodes of Amish in the City to catch up on.

DEBUNKED: Good one. However, our contacts at the Homeland Security Department assure us that any terrorist activity next Tuesday would most likely be restricted to more strategic locations such as Reno, Branson, or the Tenderloin. Also there have only been four episodes of Amish; don’t mess with me like that.

Excuse #4: I have friends coming in Tuesday from out of town.

DEBUNKED: We’ve taken the liberty of rescheduling your friends’ visit—they’ll be here around 3 a.m. tomorrow instead. Also we said it was OK to bring their twin 120-lb. Rottweillers, Hercules and Samson. So come on down.

Excuse #5: I’m already committed to another, more interesting event that night.

DEBUNKED: That is just not possible. Get your ass down to the House of Shields.

Excuse #6: I know for a fact that Ian’s birthday was last month—I already gave him his 30 spanks. Isn’t this a little late to be celebrating?

DEBUNKED: That was just a ploy to get a free spanking. If you don’t come Tuesday you’re a jerk.

WHAT: The Ian Carey Quintet
WHEN: Tuesday, August 24th, 5:30-8:30 p.m. (Revelry to follow.)
WHERE: The House of Shields, New Montgomery & Market, S.F. (415) 495-5436

Announcements: Quintet, 8/10/04

Self-Promotion is a Four-Letter Word, Followed by a Nine-Letter Word

Top 8 Favorite Lame Pickup Lines, revised to promote my gig next Tuesday at the House of Shields:

8. Do you believe in love at first sight, or should I walk by again on Tuesday night at my gig?

7. If I told you you had a beautiful body, would you hold it against my gig Tuesday night?

6. There’s you with all those curves and here’s me with a gig Tuesday night and no brakes.

5. Do you have any raisins? Then how ’bout a date, like Tuesday August 10th, a date on which I happen to have a gig?

4. Are you a parking ticket? ‘Cause you’ve got “fine” written all over you, and also you’ll probably get a parking ticket while you’re at my gig Tuesday night.

3. You must be Jamaican, ’cause Jamaican me crazy and Jamaicans drink free at my gig Tuesday night.

2. If I could rewrite the alphabet, I would put U and I together, and follow those with M, Y, G, I, G, T, U, E, S, D, A, Y, N, I, G, H, and T.

… and the Number One Favorite Lame Pickup Line, revised to promote my gig this Tuesday at the House of Shields:

1. We live under the constant threat of a terrorist attack. Do you want to die without coming to my gig Tuesday night?

WHAT: The Ian Carey Quintet
WHEN: Tuesday, August 10th, 5:30-8:30 p.m.
WHERE: The House of Shields, New Montgomery & Market (415) 495-5436
HOW MUCH: Zilch.

Announcements: Quartet, 4/27/04

Attendance Mandatory
Ladies and Gentlemen, children of all ages! Come one, come all to the amazing spectacle of The House of Shields and the Flying Ian Carey Brothers’ No-Cover Happy Hour Jazzstravaganza!

WITNESS death-defying feats of musical daredevilry and melodious derring-do!

SEE the Two-Armed Drummer!

BEHOLD the Drunken Audience Member who wants to hear “Margaritaville”!

MARVEL at the World-Renowned Giant Violin!

WATCH as the Escape Artist-Trumpeter vanishes without paying the rest of the band!

SEE your hard-earned dollars disappear into the vortex of the Incredible Bottomless Tip-Jar!

But whatever you do… don’t miss THE GREATEST SHOW ON FLOOR!

WHAT: The Ian Carey Quartet
WHEN: Tuesday, April 27, 5:30-8:30 p.m.
WHERE: The House of Shields, New Montgomery & Market (415) 495-5436
HOW MUCH: Squat.

Announcements: Quartet, 4/13/04

Will House of Shields Become House of Horrors for Jazz Fall Guys?

AP WIRE, San Francisco–The Ian Carey Quartet will be testifying before the House (of Shields) Happy Hour Committee this Tuesday, April 13. The quartet is expected to respond to fierce inquiries by the committee, which consists of a fluctuating aggregation of listeners, non-listeners, aficionados, coworkers, groupies, loud talkers, playa-haters, love-drunks, off-duty clergymen, “ladies” of the evening, professional sports mascots, friends, Romans, countrymen, mob informants, jokers, tokers, midnight non-smokers and Gray Davis.

Among the expected areas of questioning:

  • What did the Quartet know about the “situation” in the men’s room, and when?
  • Are we supposed to clap after solos, or only at the end?
  • Why should we listen to you?
  • Can you play “Summertime”, or do you only do that modern crap?
  • What exactly did you mean when you said you “once gave that Winston Marcellus guy a wedgie he’ll never forget”?

…and, perhaps most importantly:

  • Is it possible to tip too much?

Although arrangements are being made to broadcast live coverage of the hearings on C-SPAN 4 or the Cambodian Nude Golf channel, public attendance is strongly encouraged. According to Mr. Carey, “We believe that it is only through an open and responsive dialogue that these issues of great import can be—oh, here’s my cab. Later!”

WHAT: The Ian Carey Quartet

WHEN: Tuesday, April 13, 5:30-8:30 p.m.

WHERE: The House of Shields, 39 New Montgomery (betw. Market & Mission), San Fran-freaking-cisco

HOW MUCH: Bupkes.

Announcements and thoughts from a Bay Area trumpeter and composer