Announcements: Quintet +1, 7/26/05

Seven Lies I Will Tell You to Get You to Come to My Gig Tuesday

  • The first 50 guests will receive complimentary hammerhead shark chowder in a sourdough bread bowl.
  • A dazzling pyrotechnic and laser-light display is being assembled for the last tune, a musical tribute to the non-Star Trek acting career of the late James “Scotty” Doohan.
  • This week we will be playing only music written by gay or transgendered dwarfs of Slavic descent in solidarity with their cause.
  • Arun Luthra, who is visiting from New York and will be sitting in with the band, is actually fourth in line for the throne of the Kingdom of Southwest Norway (in exile).
  • All proceeds from drink sales will be donated to relief efforts for next week’s catastrophic volcano eruption in New Jersey.
  • Miles Davis once said, “Ian is a bad !#$@f*&% who never #$%* no $@#^ off nobody and %$#@ his *$&@! #$&@* all the $%&* time.”
  • It’s not my birthday.

WHO: Ian, trumpet, with
Adam Shulman, piano
Joe Cohen, saxophone
Kurt Kotheimer, bass
Jon Arkin, drums
…and special guest Arun Luthra on saxophone, direct from Noo Yawk!

WHERE: The House of Shields, 39 New Montgomery St. (betw. Market & Mission)

WHEN: Tuesday, July 26, 5:30-8:30 p.m.

HOW MUCH: Just pennies a day.

Announcements: Quintet, 7/12/05

Ian’s Gig Announcement: The Mad Libs Edition
Howdy [plural noun]! I’d like to [verb] you about my big [adjective] hour show coming up TONIGHT at the House of [plural noun], a quaint little [noun] nestled in San Francisco’s [adjective] District where everybody knows your [noun], and you’re always [adjective] you [past-tense verb]! [Exclamation] yeah!

You’ll hear the [noun] play some of my [plural noun] as well as plenty of old [plural noun]. We also have [very large number] special guests including the [adjective] Dayna Stephens, who’s back from [geographical location] and sounding really [adjective]—and I mean REALLY [adjective]—along with newcomers [name of person in room] on drums and Kurt [German-sounding last name] on [musical instrument]. It’s going to so be [adjective] you’ll shout “[exclamation]”, or my name isn’t [celebrity]!

I don’t give a [animal]’s [part of the body] whether you have tickets to the [name of sport] game, or a date with [female celebrity] (and her [adjective] [part of the body]—hubba hubba!) or even an appointment to get your [part of the body] waxed… you better get your [part of the body] down to the [noun] of Shields tonight. You’ll be really [adjective] you did, you [relative] of a [noun]!

And remember, on Tuesdays, ladies [verb] free!

WHO: Ian [nonsense word], [musical instrument], with
Adam Shulman, piano
Dayna Stephens, saxophone
Brian Bowman, drums
Kurt Kotheimer, bass

WHERE: The House of Shields, 39 [adjective] Montgomery St. (betw. Market & Mission), San [Spanish name].

WHEN: TONIGHT, Tuesday, July 12, 5:30-8:30 p.m.

HOW MUCH: Not [number] [color] [monetary unit].

Announcements: Quintet, 6/28/05

My Gig Announcement, as Translated from English to German, then Back to English, then to Dutch, then English Again

The hello music of supporter lives, is regulates it again for me you with my two weekly concert notification to spoil. That the Ian want to revise acts will export kwintet incredible everybody jazz under in this next Tuesday at the known and notorious house of the signs, becomes that within the quite financial district of San Francisco angeschmiegt.

We will is mark act first this week that two guests Tim Bulkley, percussie and entertainer extra order irises, that want to can will be connected is appeared around city on different class nightclubs; moreover heard, by the known and exceptional Lorenzo Farrell we at the first time, that known with many and at striking artist and ensembles.

In it its no lid expenses consequently that on under comes, take self a bar bungle and your sorrow to the astonishing sounds drowns the Jazz of Ian kwintet! To missed to not to become!

WHO: Me, trumpet, with
Adam Shulman, piano
Evan Francis, saxophone
Tim Bulkley, drums
Lorenzo Farrell, bass

WHEN: Tuesday, June 28, 5:30-8:30 pm

WHERE: The House of Shields, 39 New Montgomery, SF.

Announcements: Quintet, 6/7/05

Ian Carey Quintet: Frequently Asked Questions
We get a lot of mail here at the Ian Carey Quintet headquarters, so we thought we’d take a moment to answer some of the more frequently encountered queries from our friendly fans.

1. Why do you only play at the House of Shields? Are you afraid of success or something?

A: Deathly afraid. Tip me off about a possible new place to play and I might try to overcome this fear. And don’t say “Yoshi’s.” You want to say it, don’t you? I freaking dare you to say “Yoshi’s.”

2. Is it true that you once shot Wynton Marsalis in Reno just to watch him die?

A: Absolutely, although it wasn’t actually Wynton, and it wasn’t to watch him die. It was actually Miles Davis, and I did it to purge myself of his pervasive influence on my trumpet playing and relationship skills. Watching him die was a bonus.

3. How come you never have a vibraphone player in your band? Are you an Anti-Vibite or something?

A: Good question. I’ll be correcting this injustice tomorrow night (Tuesday), when the group is joined by special guest Ben Adams on that very instrument.

4. Why does your band have such a boring name?

A: I guess I’ve gotten a little jaded with all the jazz groups these days with ridiculous names like “The Bad Plus” and “Sex Mob” and “The Duke Ellington Orchestra” and “Ian Presents Mitch Marcus’s The Fred Randolph/John Arkin Group featuring Ben Adams,” but I guess I can brainstorm for a while and see if anything more exciting comes to mind.

5. Would it kill you to tell us about your gigs more than a day in advance?

A: No, I s’pose not. The next few (barring “the House” suddenly deciding they’re sick of looking at my ugly mug): June 7 and 24, July 12 and 26.

6. Why are your gig announcements so damn long? Would you get to the point already?

A: Fair enough. The point is:

Me, trumpet, with:
Mitch Marcus, saxophone
Ben Adams, vibraphone
Fred Randolph, bass, and
John Arkin, drums

Tuesday, June 7, 5:30-8:30 p.m., at the House of Shields, 39 New Montgomery, SF

NO COVER

Announcements: Quintet, 5/10/05

Last night we said a great many things…
You said I was to do the thinking for both of us. Well, I’ve done a lot of it since then, and it all adds up to one thing: you’re coming to see THE IAN CAREY QUINTET at THE HOUSE OF SHIELDS where you belong.

Now, you’ve got to listen to me! You have any idea what you’d have to look forward to if you didn’t come to my gig TONIGHT, TUESDAY MAY 10? Nine chances out of ten, we’d both wind up in a jazz concentration camp. Isn’t that true, Louie?

I’m saying it because it’s true. Inside of us, we both know you belong at my gig. You’re part of our work, the thing that keeps us going. If that quintet plays FROM 5:30 to 8:30 PM and you’re not listening, you’ll regret it. Maybe not today. Maybe not tomorrow, but soon and for the rest of your life.

We’ll always have THE HOUSE OF SHIELDS. We didn’t have, we, we lost it until you agreed to come to my NO COVER gig. We get it back tonight.

But I’ve got a job to do, too. Where ADAM SHULMAN, FRED RANDOLPH, EVAN FRANCIS, JOHN ARKIN and MYSELF are going, you can’t follow. What we’ve got to do, you can’t be any part of. I’m no good at being noble, but it doesn’t take much to see that the problems of one little JAZZ QUINTET don’t amount to a hill of beans in this crazy world. Someday you’ll understand that. Now, now…

Here’s looking at you, kid.


WHO: Ian Carey Quintet, featuring:
Adam Shulman, piano
Fred Randolph, bass
Evan Francis, saxophone, and
John Arkin, drums

WHEN: Tuesday, 5/10, 5:30-8:30 pm

WHERE: The House of Shields, 39 New Montgomery St., SF

HOW MUCH: Bupkes.

Announcements: Quintet, 2/4/05

Dear Honoured Sir/Madam,

My name is IAN GARFUNKEL, the son of the late Generalissimo Art Garfunkel, Ex-Military Leader of State of Ivory Coast, recently ousted in a coup d’état along with Interior Minister The Guy Who Replaced Steve Perry. I understand you to be a trustworthy partner and am contacting you because of my need to invite you and other honourable persons to my JAZZ GIG TOMORROW, TUESDAY.

It is in view of this that I seek your co-operation and assistance in the attendance of said PERFORMANCE during the hours of 5:30-8:30 P.M., at the completion of which I am not authorized by THE HOUSE OF SHIELDS, located at 39 NEW MONTGOMERY AND MISSION STREETS, to deliver to you the imaginary sum of Eight Million Monopoly Dollars only, being the very last of my family fund. After the capture of my beloved father and Mr. Replacement Steve Perry the Federal Government seized all our properties and our accounts both local and international were frozen like so many Gorton’s Fish Sticks which by the way are delicious.

My only hope now is that PIANIST ADAM SHULMAN has carefully packaged these documents and deposited as artifacts with a Security/Finance Company in the Netherlands for the perusal of BASSIST FRED RANDOLPH, so that the said imaginary sum can easily be withdrawn or paid to a recommended beneficiary such as DRUMMER JON ARKIN or SAXOPHONIST EVAN FRANCIS, and the security company based on my instructions will release the WICKED AWESOME JAZZ MUSIC to you, as my partner in the area of viable and profitable business such as No Cover Jazz Gigs.

To show my preparedness to carry out this imaginary business with you, NO COVER CHARGE and 0% commission of the fake proceeds realized from the bogus investment of this totally made-up fund will also be yours, 0% is to be set aside for any eventual cost that might arise as the fictitious transaction proceeds.

I and the other members of the Royal Garfunkel family are presently in Belgium seeking asylum and WAFFLES. I would sincerely want you to reach me through the E-mail at SonOfAGarfunkel@scams.com, if you are sincere in your interest to assist me sincerely. I sincerely will appreciate your sincere response.

Sincerely,

IAN’S WICKED AWESOME 419 SCAM QUINTET
TUESDAY, FEBRUARY 8
5:30-8:30 P.M.
THE HOUSE OF SHIELDS, 39 NEW MONTGOMERY (@ MISSION), SF
NO COVER

P.S. Please send fish sticks.

Announcements: Quintet, 1/25/05

An Invitation to My Gig Tuesday, as Performed by the Man Who Changes to a Different Stereotypical Character with Each Phrase

Avast, ye scurvy dogs and wenches! Come on down to the rootin’est, tootin’est hayride West a’ Market Street—Verily, I speaketh of Ye Olde House of Shields, m’lords and ladies of our faire Realm. I knew that dive was trouble from the minute I walked in—a tall drink of trouble by the name of Ian. This hoser’s gonna play the trumpet, eh!

And that gone cat Fred Randolph’s like swingin’ on the bass, daddy-o! If you call now, you’ll also receive, at no additional cost to you, John Arkin on the drums and his handy carrying case—FREE! Adam Shulman will not rest until he has used his invincible Flying Toad Style piano technique to avenge the death of his master, and Humanoid Unit Evan Francis will utilize his Saxophonic Tone Generator to stimulate the aesthetic nodes of all Earthlings in the vicinity.

They gonna play-a good jazz, just-a like-a Mamma used to make! You vant dat I should tell you vat time is it, well, it’s five-toity to eight-toity, vit de playing and de socializin’ and de big tipping, I tell you. It’s like totally about the love and togetherness, so all you have to bring is some good vibes, man! Ve haff vays of making you attend!

Announcements: Quartet, 12/14/04

All You Need to Know About My Gig Tuesday Night, in Five and a Half Limericks

There once was a guy who played trumpet
while eating a jam-covered crumpet
So Jon Arkin‘s bass drum
collected many a crumb
And his pedal was too sticky to thump it.

We’ll play from 5:30 to 9ish
And the music will be extra fine-ish
So pull up a stool
and act really cool
While you pound 15 glasses of wine-ish.

There once was a saxophonist named Evan
whose sound was a small slice of heaven
But the House of Shields crowd
can be wicked loud
So now his horn goes to eleven.

And then there’s the famous Fred Randolph
Touch his bass and he’ll bite your handolph
He drowns out the picketers
and fights parking ticketers
So you see why he’s still My Main Mandolph.

We still haven’t gotten a piano
Though I’m trying as hard as I can-o
We’re sure to get someone
So don’t be a glum one
But I hope you like Ornette Coleman-o.

There once was a bar on New Montgomery
Where audiences do want-gum-ery…

… anyway, see you there.

Announcements: Quintet, 11/23/04

Only Acceptable Excuses for Not Attending Tomorrow’s Performance of Ian’s You Better Believe It’ll Be Wicked Awesome Jazz Quintet at the House of Shields:

11. Dog died

10. Being held captive by Abu Musab al-Zarqawi

9. Ate an entire carton of unfiltered cigarettes thinking they were mints

8. Down with a wicked case of monkeypox

7. Never liked jazz

6. Believe Ian is the Antichrist

5. Owe Ian money and can’t look him in the face again until ready to pay him back

4. Drifting over the Atlantic Ocean in a giant peach with some obnoxious grasshopper dude

3. Owed money by Ian and getting sick of his damn excuses

2. Dog owed money by Antichrist Musab al-Monkeypox and never liked unfiltered grasshoppers nor jazz neither

… and the Final Acceptable Excuse for Not Attending Tomorrow’s Performance of Ian’s You Better Believe It’ll Be Wicked Awesome Jazz Quintet at the House of Shields:

1. Forgot

Everybody else better be there.

WHAT: The Ian Carey Quintet, featuring:
Evan Francis, tenor saxophone
Adam Shulman, piano
Fred Randolph, bass
Jon Arkin, drums

WHEN: Tomorrow, Tuesday, November 23, 5:30-8:30 p.m.

WHERE: The House of Shields, New Montgomery & Market (415) 495-5436

HOW MUCH: Zzzp.

Announcements: Quintet, 9/28/04

5 Haiku, In Honor of My Gig TONIGHT at the House of Shields:

Perfume of spilt beer
enhances the ambience
as we play some stuff

Consider my gig
as a fine alternative
to going postal

It isn’t Friday
nor even, sadly, Wednesday—
we’re playing Tuesday

Dayna’s gone back East,
But wait ’til you hear Evan—
He’s wicked good, too

“Happy Hour,” you say?
More like “Super Bitchin’ Hour,”
at the House of Shields.

WHO: The Ian Carey Quintet, featuring…

Evan Francis, saxophone
Adam Shulman, piano
Fred Randolph, bass
Tim Bulkley, drums

WHEN: Tuesday, September 28th, 5:30-8:30 p.m.

WHERE: The House of Shields, New Montgomery & Market (415) 495-5436

HOW MUCH: Nuthin’.

Announcements and thoughts from a Bay Area trumpeter and composer