Top Excuses for Not Attending the Ian Carey Quintet Gig and 30th Birthday Extravaganza Next Tuesday at the House of Shields, DEBUNKED!
Excuse #1: I have to pick up the keys and sign the lease to my new apartment.
DEBUNKED: That’s an easy one. With Bay Area rents on the way down, you’re much better off finding a comfortable doorway to sleep in for a few months while the market bottoms out. The minor inconvenience is easily outweighed by how much you’ll save in the long run. So pick yourself up a nice cardboard box, skip the lease-signing, and get your booty down here.
Excuse #2: I have a raging migraine headache scheduled for that day.
DEBUNKED: Lucky for you, Ian’s Wicked Awesome Jazz Quintet was more effective than placebo in the acute treatment of migraine headaches with or without aura in 2 double-blind, placebo-controlled trials. Also there will be beer and pretzels.
Excuse #3: The Homeland Security Advisory Level is at “Yellow”, so I need to be vigilant, take notice of my surroundings, and report suspicious activities to local authorities immediately, preferably from a secure location within my underground bunker where I also have eight Tivo’d episodes of Amish in the City to catch up on.
DEBUNKED: Good one. However, our contacts at the Homeland Security Department assure us that any terrorist activity next Tuesday would most likely be restricted to more strategic locations such as Reno, Branson, or the Tenderloin. Also there have only been four episodes of Amish; don’t mess with me like that.
Excuse #4: I have friends coming in Tuesday from out of town.
DEBUNKED: We’ve taken the liberty of rescheduling your friends’ visit—they’ll be here around 3 a.m. tomorrow instead. Also we said it was OK to bring their twin 120-lb. Rottweillers, Hercules and Samson. So come on down.
Excuse #5: I’m already committed to another, more interesting event that night.
DEBUNKED: That is just not possible. Get your ass down to the House of Shields.
Excuse #6: I know for a fact that Ian’s birthday was last month—I already gave him his 30 spanks. Isn’t this a little late to be celebrating?
DEBUNKED: That was just a ploy to get a free spanking. If you don’t come Tuesday you’re a jerk.
WHAT: The Ian Carey Quintet
WHEN: Tuesday, August 24th, 5:30-8:30 p.m. (Revelry to follow.)
WHERE: The House of Shields, New Montgomery & Market, S.F. (415) 495-5436