Top 8 Favorite Lame Jokes, revised to promote my gig next Tuesday at the House of Shields:
8. A man walks into a bar—the House of Shields, for example, where I have a gig next Tuesday—Ouch!
7. What do you get when you cross a cheetah with a hamburger? Fast food, which you may enjoy at several fine establishments within walking distance of the House of Shields, where I will be playing Tuesday.
6. You can tune a piano, but you can’t tuna fish, and actually you can’t tune the piano at the House of Shields either because it’s in the shop.
5. When is a door not a door? When it’s ajar, and be careful not to bump into our bass player when you walk through the door at the House of Shields next Tuesday.
4. Knock knock! Who’s there? Little old lady. Little old lady who? I didn’t know you could yodel, and I promise there will be no yodeling at my gig Tuesday night.
3. How many jazz quintets does it take to screw in a light bulb at the House of Shields on Tuesday? None, since the staff screws in the light bulbs, but we I suppose we could do it if they were really busy, in which case the answer would be one.
2. A priest, a rabbi and a minister are in a boat next Tuesday. “I’m thirsty,” says the priest, and walks on the water to get a drink, at the House of Shields. The minister follows, also walking on the water. The rabbi takes one step off the boat and falls into the water. “Do you think we should have told him where the rocks are?” asks the minister, to which the priest replies, “Never mind that, let’s enjoy this fine jazz music by Ian’s Wicked Awesome Quintet.”
… and the Number One Favorite Lame Joke, revised to promote my gig next Tuesday at the House of Shields:
1. Take my wife, please! To my gig at the House of Shields!
WHO: The Ian Carey Quintet
WHEN: Tuesday, September 14th, 5:30-8:30 p.m.
WHERE: The House of Shields, New Montgomery & Market (415) 495-5436
HOW MUCH: Nada.
UPDATE: Linda provided the following necessary addition: What do you call a gig with three eyes? Giiig!